Sunday, January 17, 2010

System Crash: Error Report # 1

It has been a year of hatred and indifference. Last few years I had been completely indifferent to the world around me. I had been thinking and realised, as I rush through my life and work, that I had been missing few things of what humans consider to be inalienable to their lives. After that sudden death match, and what shall be the term to illustrate that event other than "e-showdown". Actually it was a brutal showdown. Irrespective of the events that followed: I started changing, something which was thought to be impossible for my sake. For the starters, everything became mechanical. Formula based, quotients, theories, data central etc. As my feelings receded, the symptoms became more active. I started calculating, relative to material value, everything.
Then after some harrowing days, I finally settled down with my job. Not very paying, bit of office politics, bit of asses etc, a nice place. Cosy. I actually started cosying up there, when my receding emotions provided me with a waking call. Any actual involvement with any member/organization can have some disastrous kickbacks on my future. I run around on account of my job, meet many people, re interact with older acquaintances, make new friends and learn new things. So i was standing at the bus stop cursing another day spent in waste. I was talking on phone when i noticed a small kid barely 2-3 years may be, in some red coloured something,which probably looked nice once upon a time. The kid was howling for noodles. Tugging at mother's sari, which was worse than the rag used to clean our house. The mother was a beggar, one of the numerous street people rejected by society and fate altogether, The mother tried to console the kid and simultaneously held up her dirt stained hands in supplication for some coins. Another person had also noticed that and gave the woman Rs. 10. She swiped the kid off his feet and hauled it to the nearest noodle maker. I unknowingly had stopped conversing with my client on the phone. Few loud shouts exploded in my ear as the client in his frustration was yelling "hellos" into the phone.
The entire scenario did not match in any of my theories, formulas, logic and reason. I was stupefied. Here is one woman on whom fate and life had spat and barfed upon was taking care of the only property she has left. Her own child. She is taking care of him within her extremely limited means. As i got into the bus, I saw the beggar woman feeding noodles to her kid.... Adoration!!!

My software of life has detected an unknown entity in me: called "emotion". Alert status yellow.

My meeting actually went well that day. In the entire meeting I never mentioned my own difficulties. I actually laid it in front of them as their own headaches and court problems. Soon started the mad rush to provide me whatever is required for them to get out of it. And I used to plead with the others. All such happened without me getting furious or frustrated. I saw my own reflection and was jolted to see myself as calm smiling face. Then things started rolling. My own logic failed at my actions. I found myself placating frayed nerves, bring people together without raising voices. I was content that I do not have to resort to anger. Even though everything seemed to have smoothed, and my own convocation coming up soon, disaster struck as my mom had to be hospitalised. Everything crashed.

System Alert! Conflict of Logic and Malware

Some how i could not bear to see her in hospital with all tubes and vials attached to her body. I have seen such scenes few times in my life. Cadavers do not make me upset. But seeing an alive person who had a near brush with death looked something horrendous. One of my friend looked like he was swallowed by death and shat out.

Then I realised that while i was settling with my life, i had been hearing so much "Friends/associates/acquaintance are those who can make others laugh". While I had been trying to make others laugh, I myself forgot what it is to laugh...... really to laugh, not lols, not smileys.... but free laughter.

and that's how the System broke down...... and hell broke loose.

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