Sunday, December 8, 2013

A wounded warrior.. down but not dead

On 6th of December, morning was deary. Another all-nighter, some alcohol (despite my own misgiving) and a hangover. I knew that I had low Blood Pressure and too much alcohol tends to mess up my system (despite mastering its usage in Delhi 2011); yet I went ahead and guzzled some alcohol. 

Morning it was different. I knew about the hangover and I was cursing myself for breaking my rule of drinking water. Ah well! I went home and tried to snooze but an uncomfortable feeling refused to let go. I was wondering... the hell I had been drunk and shit-faced before but never had this feeling. Then around midday my chest started paining and I started panicking. I quickly brought out the blood pressure measuring machine and took a check. I was shocked to see that the results read as 113/97 : 100 (normal being: 85/65: 80 pulse rate). I was thinking, "Great! Now am gonna be hospitalized."

A round with the doctor and few tests showed that it's just a temporary thing caused by STRESS. Doctor told me matter of factly tone while i recalled that for more than 2 months I had been slogging over a major transaction and for more than 1 year I had been slogging to keep myself ahead of my matter list. It was inevitable. As would Merovingian aka The Frenchman (ignorant people see The Matrix Trilogy), would say "cause and effect" (The principle of Causality).

I realized something that day. My personality is molded by my physical body. Its like those unbreakable Nokia phones. Even under pressure, duress and rough use; it works. To sustain my mind I had neglected by physical container. My physical container in order to support my goals relentlessly suffered abuse. Now after a long time, it pleaded to take breather but I have resolved that my body, my physical container, will not only get a breather but I will train it to be stronger. It will face many trials in the days to come and in my pursuit towards my goal, my dreams a broken container will not suffice nor will I discard it. I fully understand my wrong-doing towards my body and will repair it. Give it the necessary stamina and power and it will not be like those beefed up buffoons on steroids. 

I have looked and researched that I am heading into an illness called "tachycardia". I will limit my alcohol intake and eat better food. I will work smarter than harder to reach my goal by using tactical precision. I have always been a fanatic to war strategies and in this personal war, I will create a strategy befitting my requirements. Many might think that I am saying all this to assuage my feelings but I have arrived to this conclusion when I visited the doctor. I have so many things to do, so many places to go, a special girl to woo, promises to be kept and above all not to leave my family and friends. So many quests, so many adventures and I  cannot give up here. Since I cannot give up here the choice is simple: fight. To fight I must rest, recuperate, eat, work out and do all necessary things so as to win. This is my iron will.... and my will surpasses all.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

System Crash: Reformation

"The wounded soldier trudged on for miles. He senses that he is near his homeland. But he must be on his toes and not lower his defence. 6 months ago, the neighboring kingdom had unleashed hell upon them. He remembers that there wasn't a day when soldiers dint descend on their little village in the valley like vultures and left wake of death behind them. It was happening all over the country. His father, god bless his soul, died bravely fighting those invaders. The powers that be decided that we too fight back. The blacksmiths and forges went on for days and nights making armor and better weapons for us. The invaders also retaliated with equal ferocity. Towers and castles were built. Walls ran all around the kingdom in a vain effort to repel the attacks. However, those static defenses did not work too well as the invaders brought forth siege weapons.
The soldier looks up to the blue sky. A mute supplication went out from his lips to the Gods to protect him and his country. He had been into hell. Hundreds of infantry, cavalry, siege machines met near the plains to court death. The heavily wounded soldier and his company of pike-men had just laid waste to the enemy castle, and in all that he got severely wounded.
He trudged on, each step felt heavy. His blood and strength flowed out from his open wounds. His eyes brimmed with tears. He recollected the scores of fields and the villagers that toiled on them. Those hunting parties, berry collections, working on the mines as a collective effort for the community..... those recollections urged him on. He must go back and warn his townsfolk. The enemy is not dead. They are coming. He must hurry or he would not be able to save his family.
The soldier spies an old man with a cloak. Terror crept upon his heart. Is that the priest of the enemy? will he get brainwashed at the hands of the clergy? He steeled his heart, whatever may be the outcome he must carry out his task as a soldier of his country and kill this heinous creature. He has seen innocent folks getting brainwashed by them and betray their own. He put his hand on the sword hilt and his motion turned towards the priest. God had decided his fate. He must do it.
The priest turned, the soldier tensed; he has very little time to kill the priest before he gets brainwashed. As the priest turned fully, he recognized the Brother from the monastery. The soldier knelt before the Brother and thanked God for the safe deliverance. Brother spoke: "My Child, fear not. I understand your fear. Look around you." The soldier looked around, scores of archers, infantry, cavalry rose up from the foliage. He trembled, his prayers have been answered. The Monk spoke softly, " Rest now, and Heal." Saying thus, he raised his staff and chanted mantras and prayers. The soldier felt at peace as his wounds disappeared and his body healed.
Rest was easy. The advancing enemy was crushed and decimated.

I leaned back after finishing the game of Age of Empires. I wondered, why aren't there monks like that in real life that heals everyone just by waving his staff around. Had there been such people, the number of sick and dying would have dwindled to null.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

System Crash: Error Report # 1

It has been a year of hatred and indifference. Last few years I had been completely indifferent to the world around me. I had been thinking and realised, as I rush through my life and work, that I had been missing few things of what humans consider to be inalienable to their lives. After that sudden death match, and what shall be the term to illustrate that event other than "e-showdown". Actually it was a brutal showdown. Irrespective of the events that followed: I started changing, something which was thought to be impossible for my sake. For the starters, everything became mechanical. Formula based, quotients, theories, data central etc. As my feelings receded, the symptoms became more active. I started calculating, relative to material value, everything.
Then after some harrowing days, I finally settled down with my job. Not very paying, bit of office politics, bit of asses etc, a nice place. Cosy. I actually started cosying up there, when my receding emotions provided me with a waking call. Any actual involvement with any member/organization can have some disastrous kickbacks on my future. I run around on account of my job, meet many people, re interact with older acquaintances, make new friends and learn new things. So i was standing at the bus stop cursing another day spent in waste. I was talking on phone when i noticed a small kid barely 2-3 years may be, in some red coloured something,which probably looked nice once upon a time. The kid was howling for noodles. Tugging at mother's sari, which was worse than the rag used to clean our house. The mother was a beggar, one of the numerous street people rejected by society and fate altogether, The mother tried to console the kid and simultaneously held up her dirt stained hands in supplication for some coins. Another person had also noticed that and gave the woman Rs. 10. She swiped the kid off his feet and hauled it to the nearest noodle maker. I unknowingly had stopped conversing with my client on the phone. Few loud shouts exploded in my ear as the client in his frustration was yelling "hellos" into the phone.
The entire scenario did not match in any of my theories, formulas, logic and reason. I was stupefied. Here is one woman on whom fate and life had spat and barfed upon was taking care of the only property she has left. Her own child. She is taking care of him within her extremely limited means. As i got into the bus, I saw the beggar woman feeding noodles to her kid.... Adoration!!!

My software of life has detected an unknown entity in me: called "emotion". Alert status yellow.

My meeting actually went well that day. In the entire meeting I never mentioned my own difficulties. I actually laid it in front of them as their own headaches and court problems. Soon started the mad rush to provide me whatever is required for them to get out of it. And I used to plead with the others. All such happened without me getting furious or frustrated. I saw my own reflection and was jolted to see myself as calm smiling face. Then things started rolling. My own logic failed at my actions. I found myself placating frayed nerves, bring people together without raising voices. I was content that I do not have to resort to anger. Even though everything seemed to have smoothed, and my own convocation coming up soon, disaster struck as my mom had to be hospitalised. Everything crashed.

System Alert! Conflict of Logic and Malware

Some how i could not bear to see her in hospital with all tubes and vials attached to her body. I have seen such scenes few times in my life. Cadavers do not make me upset. But seeing an alive person who had a near brush with death looked something horrendous. One of my friend looked like he was swallowed by death and shat out.

Then I realised that while i was settling with my life, i had been hearing so much "Friends/associates/acquaintance are those who can make others laugh". While I had been trying to make others laugh, I myself forgot what it is to laugh...... really to laugh, not lols, not smileys.... but free laughter.

and that's how the System broke down...... and hell broke loose.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Birth of a GOD

Increasingly i see that humans are getting weaker. I do not mean that all should be thumping their chest like gorillas or measure the size of their biceps everyday. NO. Strength does not devolve from the size of muscles or stamina or how many martial arts one knows.
Strength is somewhat of mental fortitude. The heros: of both reel and real life, have something in common when faced with impossible, insurmountable odds; they never give up.
Giving up is accepting defeat. Frequently, i come to hear of such words like: 'too difficult', 'dnt have time', 'cant do it' etc.
In work place too I hear somewhat similar stuff like: "Please do this, I am relying/trust on you".
Relying/trust is the words of the weak like a cripple relying on the stick. Relying means depending on someone else who may or may not carry out the task. One simple query: you trust your girlfriend, place your inner most feelings in her hand, then she just tosses you and your emotions (which is quite valuable to you), crushes them under her high heels and rides off into the sunset leaving you to pick up the remnant shards of your emotions.
Hence, why cant we all be strong enough to tackle our own problems, battle our own demons. We rely/trust because we are inept at doing so. We always require someones help, which may or may not be beneficial for our sake in the longer run.
We are so weak that we cannot afford to make tough decisions or burn those necessary bridges. We rely on others judgment which may be flawed. This is the precise reason, our inherent weakness, that gives birth to Gods. Humans are like parasites. They need someone to guide them. All creatures want to believe in something bigger, better than themselves. To escape the pressure of that belief, those on whom faith is placed looks for someone higher than themselves. Such cycle continues till there is only one, THE ONE, on whom everybody places their trust. That's how Gods are born. The weak humans are mere parasites riding on the coat tails of the strong. They just wish to be safe and not be strong.
Looking into such situation disgusts me. A person threatened on the road will either run or look for the cops or with his volume try to garner public support. He will not take action by himself. Its Ok to lose. By falling down that we learn to stand up once again..that is if we have the mental fortitude to stand up once again.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Nihilism Resonance

We all believe in something. We fight to defend what we believe in. But those who were a part of something, been there, shed it out with friends and can never be the same again. They are stuck in a time wrap. For them adapting to the change is difficult. The wounds inflicted during that time run too deep. The new age denies what happened in the past. Fear of being ostracized by the current generation forces they try to adept to the new current. Few can, most cannot. Those who can are just 'wannabes' in this current age.

They end up making stale jokes trying to get along with others. The new age scoff at their attempts leaving them awkward in the presence of others. Tall stories are told about the achievements of the new generation but the veteran knows that without toil no achievement can truly be said to be thus. The Age of the Rookies. The veterans are lying around like overused dust ridden toys. Honour, sacrifice, patience and preservance

are meant to be found only in thrillers and novels. People today try to relate themselves to movies and novel characters but in the mean time lose out their own unique identity and characteristics. The Rookies does not have the stomach to fight it out. They are the arm-chair revolutionists. Their belief stops begins and ends in the chair or in debates. The new age is just a shell of the former glorious past unable to do anything.

The world order is just the same. Rookies never learn but pose as the wise, whilst the veterans are just objects of ridicule. This is the Order of Decay. The society will descend into one single point of madness and implode into chaos. The veterans are depressed to see the world they fought, shed blood are decaying. A diseased world in throes of death. Shame burdens the veterans while death slyly smiles at the on going events.

Will there be no saviour? No hand to pull humanity out of this quagmire of madness. Will the light of true reason never shine? Will the world end in the hands of inept rookies.... Will there be no life.

Aged, all-knowing, wise saints of time know it all but will give no indication of the things to come. We cannot decide whether to wait or whether to take things in our own hands and force the wheel of fate turn in our favour. This indecisiveness shall be our doom.

Friday, October 9, 2009

kal aaj aur kal

Been some time since i had last posted some non sense. I had been on the look out to post some more but you know the lack of material and time has severely decimated my wish.
Yet every dog has his day and blah blah.. one my colleagues had given me an idea for my blog. We were jobless and generally talking shit when somehow the topic of good luck and bad luck came up. You know how things go in random aimless conversations. He claimed that there is no such thing as good or bad luck. It is just mere chain of events that occurred and sum of all the happening in the past.
So I argued, what is the purpose of 'present'? If all events are warranted by things that happened in the past then present and future does not have any existence. As per him, all events that happen are resultant of things that happened at past. So at time point 0 what determined the future course of events.
My view is that Present being the point where past and future time frame intersects. Mathematically, it can be alluded to 0 where negative side represents the past and the positive side representing the future, figuratively. Or in a better manner, cation representing the past and anion representing the future while present is the interaction of cation and anion or the resulting spark. But yes, the past always have some influence on our future. For example, if i dnt study during the semester, i am bound to bomb my end semester exam. Stuff like that.
To sum up i liberally quote Master Cogway: " Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. Thats why its called the 'Present'."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Indian Politics

We live in a nation that is of the people, for the people and by the people. Post Independence day celebrations I mused that what is this hoopla about. Every year we celebrate Independence day with full enthusiasm and energy. Says Poltuda: our local chaiwala: "We must be energetic. After all, great leaders have given their lives so that we live in peace for this day." Every Republic day or Independence day, I get tons of SMSs from my friends in weird sms language wishing me so and so. I see our National Flag being sold all over the city. Small traders and street urchins make a quick buck on this great day. I see the proud armed forces display weapons of mass destruction and march smartly by on television making the girls whisper: " Ohh! I love the 'boys' of the army. They are so manly and well dressed." Our Netas and babu's take this occasion to hold some meeting where they will hoist the National Flag and address the audience, starting from tiny tots to aged people, about our country and how we should take it to greater heights. Irrespective of the fact that the very same Neta has been charge-sheeted by the administration on charges ranging from corruption to murder.
So what is the thing that I should be proud of?
Tricolour, the heritage, politics, democracy...what??
Terrorists attack are always imminent before Republic day and Independence days. The News channels always carry the news of some encounter that took place where ferocious terrorists have been gunned down by brave officers after a long gun-battle just on the eve of the Day. What a load of crap!
Why should I be proud of these killers, rapists, corrupted people? The Neta's who are willing to sell their grandmothers to get a ticket for contesting elections are running the Government. Terrorists attack wantonly, kill leave quietly. The fake encounters are done by police who do not have enough stamina to run fast for 2 minutes. So innocents are killed everyday. They are mauled and crushed under the juggernaut called 'system'. Even though you might have been a politician once but once you are out of the lime light your situation are reduced to this.
What we lack is 'political will'. My Japanese friend Mr. Saito had once told me, " why would anyone attack me on the street. I have my respect and even though one might attack, I will hit back and use all my strength to make sure such things never occur again." Why cant the same be true for our nation. Our politicians will go over to the world stage and create another melodrama that its the victim to countless terrorist attacks and plans. They will never take strong action that would end the problem once and for all. So much for Gandhigiri.
To conclude, I can only be proud of the fact that we live in a nation that allows us to live. I respect those martyrs who had given their lives so that we could live in a free country. Even though our country and its top people are flawed but that's just life. In Poltuda's wise comment: " No nation is perfect, we have to make it a perfect nation." (Urgh! I guess that's the line from Rang de Basanti movie)